Alastair and Martin's Web Site

Abnormally stupid, appropriate, or amusing phrases that our friends and acquaintances came up with between 1998 and 2001...

Jen I am essentially stupid.....
1998/99 What did she have her 18th birthday for?
I should be offended (with confused face)
That idea sounds better now than when I said it.
I'm the biggest cheapskate ever.
Finger biscuits are good because they're biscuity.
We can do bird muck.
He convinced me I could actually be my own Grandad.
He doesn't conform to society's idea of a person.
MT 1999 I wish my clothes weren't in this room.
A piccolo is easier, just like a mini tampon.
HT 2000 We don't have ants up north.
Are they the same size as ordinary ants only bigger?
Men fiddle with things.
TT 2000 I don't understand sperm banks.
I'm pregnant.
I want sex, not science.
MT 2000 I have children - it's all Roo's fault.
I had a really disgusting hard one once. It put me right off.
I can't touch them, I've got germs.
Do you not have anything to suck?
Every time I walk past the sausage shop, I think of you, Roo.
I've stuck my finger in it many times before.
HT 2001 MINE doesn't have a large surface area.
Well, what would you like me to do with you, then?
If I wasn't at university, I'd SO get pregnant.
TT 2001 (to Roo) Don't fuck with me tonight.
  (with Roo at Travel Agents) How much is a holiday for two to Honolulu for a week?
Lisa (Random Travel Agent): Are you two getting married there?
  If I've got Roo and a baby I won't need a sheep.
Liz I am not northern!
1998/99 Dogs - hours of amusement!
You can practice on furniture.
There's no way I'm going in the middle of you two!
She'd start getting off with walls and stuff.
I spend a lot of time taking Martin's clothes off.
I vibrate, I don't laugh.
OK, I'm sleeping with Martin.
I get through cats like nothing else.
I was more interested in Jaqui drunk.
I have food, not sex.
He's got a harpsichord in his mouth!
I want to plant treeeees!
MT 1999 Bini prefers the floppy kind. Bini :- Since when?!?
...because I'm a pillock.
I could have let you walk around with that thing hanging out.
HT 2000 Eurarereugh! I shouldn't be drinking that stuff.
I could do a dissertation with Fergus McFuggle but I wouldn't be able to concentrate.
I can't get over the size of the ...(pregnant pause)...TV
A lot of Policewomen are shot.
TT 2000 Go away, you Lesbian!
IN LYCRA?!? You did that on purpose!
You've got two kids on the way - do the honourable thing.
I let Bini near me with a vibrator.
MT 2000 At least my presuntiation is okay (sic!).
If I want Jeremy, I'll have to do it quickly.
I saw what you were doing and my legs were saying "Don't even think about it".
...Oww! There's a big rod!
(In bed with Louise, with sheets in disarray) We've been messing around.
I look like a complete wally.
I'll hold, you screw.
Owwww... I'm crap!
My brother did a bit (cut his finger off).
Whisky barrels? (Nb should be whisker barrels)
In the Olden Days I bet they used to lose loads of fingers.
(To Jeremy) Do you have trouble staying firm?
John Stúin is just like a big teddy bear.
I don't know whether I should admit it, but melons are fun to play with.
Roo:- Most sporting accidents are caused by fishing. Liz:- Is that by electrocution?
How big is it, then? Jeremy:- I would say medium-large.
HT 2001 Euurgh!!! It smells just like the Duke of Edinburgh!!!
It doesn't have to be a lot, it just has to be regular.
I spend half my time turning it on and off.
When you find something you like, you're like an automatic dustbin. YAM YAM YAM!!!
What does a porn rep do?
Most of my quotes make sense!
TT 2001 There are times when you need a knob.
(After finishing Finals) Does anyone else fancy a bit of Charlie?
Louise I'm soaking....
1998/99 If you've got small breasts they can't sag very far.
Bini wants sex.
He's already got a big enough one.
I had half of Florey pass through me that night.
Don't worry, I'm Superwoman!
There's nothing worse than itchy nipples.
It's just a wibbly line on the wobble of life.
My crew used to get it in & out OK.
Well little things please little people.
I'd look stupid with big ones.
MT 1999 Viagra. Roo :- I must go and get myself some of that.
HT 2000 Let's just skip all this crap and go to the bath.
TT 2000 I didn't realise Macy Gray was black.
I told someone to spread their genes
MT 2000 I'm sure proportionally you must be smaller than me
Roo, do you have a religion that you don't practice?
Roo, you've got a big backside!
You can have either acception or rejection ... I'd rather be played with.
You're slandering my character, so I'll sue you for libel.
(to Roo) You're obviously not a woman.
What's impotence?
Where'd the loo go?
I'll definitely be less than half an hour. I'm not a pig.
Roo needs someone to eat.
You can hold baby's first pooh if you want to.
I can't see what Bini sees in them, a bang doesn't do it for me.
Fil, you're from Brazil - Eat!!!
It smells of wemen in here.
(To Mart) Do you have a polo mint or anything that is vaguely suckable?
HT 2001 I want to pull Mr Grimley.
TT 2001 It takes a lot to make a woman go down.
(to Roo) Bloody hell!!! Yours is HUGE!!!
Bini Me? Desperate?!?
1998/99 Why am I attractive to female dogs?
If you slap my boyfriend, I'll slap you!
I.... Don't...... Know..... Anything.....
Low-level programming - is that for short people?
I'm just a woman.  You have to make allowances for me.
Louise, you will marry my boyfriend now .
MT 1999 Lettuce is sooooo sexy!
HT 2000 I'm lonely in my room without a man: I NEED the internet!
My days of sleepless nights are over.
I didn't even fuck him this time.
There's nothing wrong with being heterosexual!
TT 2000 I tried to get it off with Pooh but it didn't work.
Liz, you look like a biker chick.
No offence, but I won't turn into Jen.
I don't fuck dogs, thank you very much.
Roo I'm going to go and buy some sheep.
1998/99 doh.... bah!
Masturbation? It has to be done.
I know where we are now.....
There's nothing wrong with folk music.
He's pissed off with me for knowing more about his wife than he does.
You can give me a crisp when I'm not holding a grenade in my hand.
I just don't go up that way.
Whichever way I'm going, it's the wrong way.
The short end of the stick.
Just gimme the equation!
I like playing with knobs.
Wiggling the knob until it falls off isn't quite the idea.....
You could be a Nazi.
Coventry's an appalling city.
I'm waiting for the level to stay the same
I might, but I'm getting my hair cut first.
That must be where I'm going wrong.
It tastes like crap but in a good way.
I was made to play the flute.
It's not dead, it's just resting.
Tinkerbell would have been alright if she was bigger and hadn't got wings.
I pray every night; 'please let me get bigger'.
If you ever find an infinite piece of string lying about, let me know.
Wiggling your ears isn't going to help you procreate.
MT 1999 It makes the same noise at both ends.
I like a good stuffing.
HT 2000 But you're never going to get a fuck, are you?
It's good 'coz magazines you can hold in one hand.
Gail Porter - there's no challenge there.
The candella would be useful if I could find a use for it.
So you build up your biceps by screwing all day.
It doesn't go all the way up but it's still good.
It blows air up my legs.
It's better than Tracey ever was.
It's reached its climax.
I think it's just run out of batteries.
I'll wake up in a minute. I wouldn't be surprised if I did.
(Random Bird to Roo) Excuse me...Nice mullet!
But you don't know what I'm doing with my hands.
TT 2000 I didn't invoke the Power of Piglet.
Bigger than me from a very long way away.
I only fiddle when I'm on my own.
I can do tricks - I'm better than a Furby.
Pass several hundred Volts through an aubergine and it will glow
Fil, stop playing with me
Stop kicking my chair, I'm trying to write a pink note.
Who's Bini married to? Oh! Me!!!
My stomach just interfered with the phone
Fil, stop petting me.
Electricity's not thick.
Have you seen Baby Spice naked?
I'm going to go forth and spread my essence. Andy :- Well don't do it here!
MT 2000 There was a note saying "Back soon" but I didn't believe it.
I didn't do anything and you gave me one
No-one looks at me when I'm talking. They all know I'm going to talk crap.
Oww, oww, oww, oh, Fil, stop doing that! No, Fil - Aaaarrrgggh!! Fil :- REVENGE!!!
Eating pizza doesn't make you lose your memory.
They wouldn't let me play the organ unless I was confirmed.
It only looks big because I'm not wearing a belt. (see here to see what Roo keeps in his trousers)
Bini gets bored with anything that last longer than 5 minutes.
48 hours of me is a violation of Human Rights.
I keep getting e-mails from the LGB Soc.
If it wasn't for chaos theory, I might be a vegetarian.
"Paradise Lost" is just like OUSU Council.
Roo and Fil WE'RE the physics muppets!
Roo and Fil If you really do feel that reporting this incident to the Proctors would be an appropriate response then please feel free to do so.
Roo You didn't notice that I haven't done any work since Prelims, Dr. Taylor? Taylor:- Erm, no, I haven't.
It fell off the back of a lorry - that's the only reason it's crap.
(Martin and Fil donate some meat to Roo's vegetarian pizza.)
No, Fil, you don't understand, it won't work. 1) She's a weman. 2) She's a weman who is in charge.
I'd rather have physics than Mrs. Mangle.
You haven't seen HALF my hair yet.
HT 2001 I'm going to do the Dean now. It won't take long - I know what he wants.
I could have had a baby in my second year.
What's all this crap? I wrote it down earlier and now I can't remember what it means!
Now I'm a proper hack, I just got an e-mail from the Home Office!
Ballet is just like syphilis.
I can answer any question about atoms if they only have one electron.
TT 2001 I'm not spending enough time in the toilets. I should drink more
The entire resources of Cadbury-Bournville are nothing compared to Louise's bottom drawer.
(to Bini) You can play with my hole if you want.
Brains? I was close with "willy".
Andy We might have to get Bini a muzzle or something.
1998/99 I'm confused.....
It's better than drinking.(note - we still don't know what he was talking about)
What the hell've you done to my flag?
We're definitely not French.....
Al, I've got a long thing in my hand......
Fuck the horse, go home!
Al, I admire your collection of underwear.
I'm a girl, ok, look!
Somebody shoot me, I'm stuck in a blowy hole.
I'm in a football ground?
He shot 50 of the Vietnamese shoulders.
You don't bother now, do you?
Al, Al, the winder cleaners are here! (sic.)
Cleavage! (Andy, mate, it's all in the timing!)
You get to chart the number of seals in the Amazon.
Why d'you have to pick a pub that's two and a half miles away from where we live?
My economics textbook is not a fucking contraceptive.
Use something else, for god's sake. A towel, a milk bottle, I don't care!
I couldn't do my revision so I went to the Turf.
Al, will you have sex with me?
Blokes aren't designed for much except for shagging.
MT 1999 This pipe has less pressure on it than a second year physicist.
HT 2000 If it's someone's fucking wank thing.
Who would be better: Buffy or Sabrina?
(To Roo) Would you fit into Bini's dress?
TT 2000 Never pull birds from Bolton
I was going to pull her, but I headbutted her instead
Al, I've done it again!
MT 2000 Oh, we're going in HERE?!? (Outside Queen's)
(in high pitched voice) WATTHAFUCKSAPPENEDTOMAPINT!?!!?!?
I WISH I HAD A VOICE ACTIVATED LUMP OF FROZEN RICE (Possibly Quote of the Millennium).
HT 2001 AAARGGHH!!! I've just been stabbed by a slice of bread!!!
RTMF, Refer To My Female.
The owl's testicles?!?
Jen, you are a cultural desert!
@ndrúw Glúnnerstúr? Isn't he really big?
Martin PINT!
1998/99 PUB!
Well, that was better than starving.
I find bisexualism an abstract quantity.
It's September up there.
That makes me MAAAAAAD!
I'll put my glasses on, then I can go on all night.
That's more pints than I can drink in a day!
It was a woman, but it felt good.
That's far more exciting than watching paint dry!
Then we stop, turn around, and do it all again backwards.
MT 1999 When I go to Oxford I must take my gunpowder with me.
You know you're sexually frustrated when you yank your toggle off.
HT 2000 It's highly restrictive when 99% of them (Jews) are gay.
I am a midline structure. Chris :- I couldn't agree more.
Roo has been shown to be a little bit inaccurate when questioned on most things, like just about everything.
Where the fuck did that come from?!?!?!?
TT 2000 Typical Roo behaviour : Drunk bird - arm over - stroke hair.
MT 2000 I can't hear you - there's too much sellotape going on.
It's part of Oxford culture to wear bicycles.
HT 2001 We've managed to find a couple of extra degrees of freedom while having a coffee.
Now I've found a couple of extra references over a random-dot stereogram!
Chris 1998/99 If you had positioned the legs properly, I would have guessed it was a dog.
HT 2000 She went off me, which was fair enough.
Celebratory instruments.
MT 2000 Do you keep it in your side pocket, generally?
It would be good if it didn't do my bum in.
TT 2001 (to Liz) Are you doing steroids?
Let's consider the menstrual cycle of a muppet.
Physics-Muppets® Fil : Let's go watch South Park.
Roo : No, Fil, the exam starts in half an hour!
Fil : Let's watch South Park!
Roo : No, Fil, just gimme the equation!
Fil : South Park!
Roo : Oh, fuck it, okay!
Fil : Hahaha! You're such a muppet, Roo!
Fil I am Sarah Connor!
1998/99 Stop playing with my fucked french flag!
Everything's moving but I think I'm OK...
I'm not going in a trolley.
There's a trolley in my room!
Then I have some rest.
You're not a real photon, go away!
What kind of English are you?
You're trying to drunk him?
Why can't I go to the disco?
We used to shoot ducks.
Don't do it with the woman, do it with the man.
MT 1999 Roo, you need a lobotomy.
HT 2000 I hate Rooish answers!
1013 metres per second? That's not so fast!
TT 2000 Where's the magic wand? Roo:-underneath the lasso.
MT 2000 Roo:- Where's KP? Fil:- The Condensed Matter Fish ate him.
(In the library) Oh... it's a library.
At least I'm original. Roo:- You're the original muppet.
What? Are you lactating?
HT 2001 I look at all these questions and say..... 'Aarghhhh, LOSE!!!'
You fire thingies at a thingy thing.
I've been writing equations till my hands bled!
TT 2001 Shut up! I like my hole. My hole is nice.
(wearing shades, looking like a terrorist): Don't worry, everything is under control...
KP Scotland's nice..... but I'm gonna die there.
1998/99 You pull & pull but nothing comes out.
Go, English people!
Why not? You've done it to the Moon.
There must be a legal way to rob banks.....
TT 2000 Hitler didn't do too much damage
MT 2000 Leprosy? Isn't that what Jesus had?
Roo:- Are there any Jews in Singapore? KP:- Weeeellllll, they'd have a long way to walk from Germany.
Oh, the champagne tastes bitter.
What's this number? Is it the number of atoms per unit frog or the number of frogs per unit atom?
Is cider alcoholic?
HT 2001 Roo : I'm moving my passion onto little kids. KP : You sound just like Michael Jackson.
I'm a student, not a faculty.
TT 2001 I wouldn't mind rowing if it was punting.
Oh, the data? Weeeeellll, they're just data.
Chin (Physics- Meppet® from Túddy H@ll What has hot water got to do with cold water?
Al Pointy & cool......
1998/99 So long as you keep your mouth shut, you'll be OK.
I've never been further north apart from Scotland.
Fuck!! My door's on fire!
It's a cow with horns.
It's plastic, it can't possibly be that complicated.
I don't make spontaneous electrical purchases.
That's a load of RRRRs.
Women & buses are different.
Where are the corners?
It's cheaper than not buying a keg.
It'll be a while, but it'll be worth it when it comes.
That's why you want to be a Physicist.
Gareth's eaten all my food!
Why did you sit down with three legs?
It's better out of the can.
The subtle unerect version......
It's very hard not to bounce in this stuff.
Stop poking my birds.
Yes, I'll do it in eighth week.
MT 2000 Well, you try doing it with a Balvenie in your pocket.
HT 2001 I can't work in Oxford for shit!!!
I'm trying to have a decent pint, and you keep talking about sex!
Tom : Banana Al : drumlin!
The sheep will take some beating.
TT 2001 Who makes a painting of a ventilation system?
There are 7 AKs in the glove compartment... a howitzer in the boot... that's IT!
I woke up this morning with my face suckered to the fish and with a crashing headache, got up, hobbled to the kitchen, started bleeding again, poured just under a pint of orange joice over my keyboard, and though "this is not going to be a good day".
Jane I thought it was a Christmas tree moving.
HT 2001 (With hints of weariness and desperation) Where's the bloody pub?!?
(To Mart) How do you feel going down?
Buying a bin? - He's just scared to get in there with you!
TT 2001 Am I in this room?
Am I me?
Jesus was a Christian!
Is he female?
Gareth Not that you've got about a bit.
1998/99 I feel so..... cheap.
Noooor, I'm special!
I'll be OK in twenty minutes.
I'm fat and lazy.
I always got out of breath, even when I was seven, so I thought no, no more blowing.
MT 1999 I wish I was a kaon.
Can I have your cherry?
Yeh, I know. I'm going in too deep and extracting too early.
Don't put it in until you're sure you're at full length....and when you do, don't force it.
Catz Physics Bird :- Bloody hell, Gareth, how long is yours? Gareth:-About 18 inches, not including the head.
HT 2001 You really can't escape rumours when coaching a boatful of young wemen.
That's funny, coz once I woke up in Aberdeen to find out that MY SHOPPING TROLLEY HAD BEEN STOLEN.
Wow! Twice in 12 hours! Somebody stop me!
TT 2001 That's her, the one with the big.........ergs.
Will Goundry I'm not dead, but I'm not entirely sure of my sexuality.
Will : It was a leap year last year, right? How come it's a leap year again this year?
Gareth : Eh??
Will : Well, it's the 29th tomorrow. How's that possible?
Gareth :'s January.
Owen I'm not photogenic, but he's got a good picture of my back.
Matthew Kelly's drunk!
Jeremy 95% of literature is rubbish, 95% of music is rubbish, and 70% of science is probably nonsense.
HT 2001 You're on the road to Damascus but you're stopping at a hotel on the way.
Dr Nickerson The English language is random to first-order.
Anything is possible to first order.
TT 2000 That Mercedes is trivial... (CRASH)
I did manage to bleed satisfactorily over his suit.
MT 2000 A limousine could be a bus.
Sarah Habib How big are the breasts? I'm not sure I can handle a whole breast.
Nell No lager in the pub!
Ben at the Turf We'll have crowds wielding firkins in an unwieldy manner.
Wez I was screwing a wine bottle, then it went soft and I was screwing nothing.
Michael Jackson (no less!) I do not claim to have the academic expertise of other speakers who have addressed this hall, just as they could lay little claim at being adept at the moonwalk - and you know, Einstein in particular was really terrible at that.
  Hoegaarden is a world classic.
Claire (Jen's friend) I can't speak to you now, I'm in bed with Jen.
Kirsy (Roo's little sister) Andrew, since you were little you've talked a load of rubbish!
Claire P Good luck always comes in ones.
Dave Meteor showers? Outside?!?
Louis Lyons Vector Operatoranology!
Jen's mum When it snows, it snows.....
AG I'm not saying anything in case it gets put on a website (Sorry, it was inevitable).

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