Alastair and Martin's Web Site Clinical Quotes 2001/2002

This academic year's quotes tended to be heavy on those from the Docs and lecturers but light from us lot. You people obviously are not funny enough, damn you! Included below are quotes from the Path course, and Medicine and Surgery firms. N.B. Mart was on c0l0rectal, hence many of the interesting surgical ones.

Liz (in bed) I'm twiddling with the knob and it's not working.
  Oh no! I never did like cancer!
  I was keeping up to date until I fell behind.
  You have to sleep with your tendon hammer a few times before you really get used to it.
Afshan I feel like I'm still in the lift. Oh, that's because I still am!
Jacquetta Leave me alone, I'm small and yellow.
  The hob-nob is the wooden spoon of life.
  (To Liz) You ARE Dr K0rbm@cher! But with better hair.
  Er, becomes irritable and floppy. That's like a lot of people I know.
  I'm a camel going on a loooong journey...
  My hippocampus has run away and joined the circus.
  BG removed the guy's caecum because he had a gut feeling.
  Oh no! We're in hell and I don't even know what we're wearing!
Helen It only clicks when I bend over and bounce up and down.
  The Transnasal Orchidectomy...
  The swizzle sigmoidoscopy...
  I can't do it in French.
Sarah The Revenge Colostomy...
  Is the clicking in your head colicky in nature?
  Hell must be like an interminable interdisciplinary meeting.
Bas The Taming of the Sprue.
  If I pushed this hard enough I think I could introduce it into my orbital space.
  There's no such thing as too much phlegm!
  Which jerk stole my tendon hammer?
  As we say in my family: no money, no snort!
Ryan If he's well enough to stand up, he's well enough to take it from behind.
  Is it OK if I put my tuna in your fridge?
  (Regarding identifying the sex of patients) I look for breast shadows first, but I suppose I could look at the name.
Neil Cadbury's Fontanelle.
Rob Someone somewhere in the world is suffering from nocturia.
Matthew We should encourage people to commit suicide more efficiently.
Martin Patient presented without shortness of breasts.
  Lesson of the week: never walk six miles with a hole in the heel of your sock.
BA He'd been on a 3 week "Rainforest Challenge" in Malaysia. In this case I think the rainforest won.
BJB Well, he did malign Trendelenberg! He deserves all he gets!
GKB The man himself, not currently sprinting for the bus
  Today is going to be a disaster but I can't help it.
  You've just swallowed a litre of hydrochloric acid - not a good idea.
  Your respiratory centre says "You're not going to get away with this much longer, breath you devil!
  Yes... no..... er, sorry, sorry, sorry, er... no.... erm, YES!!!
IB That's why we promote the use of alcohol in the hospital - on the hands, preferably. It doesn't work if you drink it.
CC A Punishment Colonoscopy...
  You'll have sweaty palms because you've just had a grilling from BG.
  You just need to remember one thing for the breat exam: use one hand, not two. Keep your eyes open, your mouth closed, and don't dribble.
  My predecessor said IBS is all down to open plan offices because noboby will break wind
  You'll be having a model for the breast exam... I mean a plastic model!
  (Standing behind hi-tec desk in the path seminar room) DJ Funkmaster!
  Have you ever see the Yellow Brick Road? I feel like the wizard.
  Suprapubic, no, suprapubic, erm, suprapubic... argh, I mean supraclavicular.
  Rectal examination is the same as your driving test.
  There's a body of opinion that says medical students should practice rectal exams on each other - get used what it feels like and make a few friends.
JC You should get as much leg space as possible, which means always travel First Class, which Mr Gr££nall always has.
  He had a yacht called Saphena Varix.
DRD It is important to keep these young men living so they can keep on contributing to the pensions of old doctors.
MD Something's falling down. I hope it's my green apron but it may be my trousers.
  I try to imagine Rama leading us into battle.
PD Pathetic. I've got a far better collection of ECGs than this.
  You've already booked yourself up on a Dr Duncl£y 2pm tutorial?!? You......... well, your loss.
AF It's like sticking things onto a halibut.
BG A Surprise Colostomy...
  That woman's colon has Barmaid Syndrome - you have to take it out to see what she's like.
  Fortunately the vast majority of the population are houseman-resistent.
  Most House Officers think it their raison d'être to keep urine output above 30ml/hour.
  Imagine you are a bile particle about to make the first big decision of your life.
  I've never been able to work out why drunks are able to create A-V fistulae with broken bottles when it takes transplant surgeons hours.
MJG Imagine you are standing in the scrotum of a giant.
  I've missed Grand Round. Fridays without Grand Round are like apple pie wothout cream.
AH:  I'm a custard man myself.
FJL Don't be anxious, don't panic, because such minor emotions are not productive and are just remnants showing the underlying weakness of humanity.
  If we were to cram 5 lectures into one there would come a point when many of you collapse under the psychological and emotional strain.
NM A Fun Colonoscopy...
JP Eeeek!!!
  Believe me, it's true. It's in the books.
  You must give work to your pathologist. We need to eat, we need to clothe our kids. Give us work!
  Normal mucosa, Chris! Why you send me this?
DJMR I'm not going to victimize anyone, even though it is fun.
  Now, what treatment do you think we had for this when I was a student? If you say leeches I'll slap you.
  It's best to buy the laminated copy of "ECG Made Easy" so you can read it in the bath.
  There aren't too many green arteries but the red pen isn't working.
  There are defibrillators at the Kassam stadium. I don't know why - watching Oxford United play is not exiting enough to cause people to have myocardial infarctions.
  They all meet up in Blackbird Leys and get on a treadmill together - not the same treadmill!
  What?!? Hallucinations a side-effect of morphine? That's what you take morphine for!
  There's a lot of yoghurt eating crap about.
  The Rockall score is of rock-all use if you can't remember it.
DER If I were to bring the Queen Mother in here and give her an injection of potassium so she sadly passed away... Don't try this at home!
  If the body has been dead more than 100 years then the coroner won't take any notice because the killer won't be alive. Unless it was the Queen Mother...
  It's a long way to go when you've only got pseudopodia to drag you around.
  Shooting pain doesn't involve being shot.
  Infective endocarditis is a disease caused by dentists.
  Virchow was a lucky man in getting his name attached to something that's blindingly obvious.
  Oh dear, I've broken the lectern. It wasn't me!!!
  It comes on slowly so you don't wake up and think, "God, I've gone hypothyroid", unless you've been attacked by a surgeon.
  It means they'll look like toads. Not any particular toad but definitely and ugly one and... well, you'll see...
  Thyroiditis is just an -itis of the thyroid.
  You'll read about thyroid ulrtasound and radioactive iodine tests but they are just a complete load of testicles, basically.
  They used to call it "Breast Mouse". It doesn't actually have a tail or ears or anything.
AS By definition we've had to pass Pink and Fluffy exams to become oncologists.
BS Remember, if you hear hoof beats, it's likely to be a horse, not a zebra. Except, of course, where I grew up it was always bloody zebras.
MS I thought it would all be wooly mumbo-jumbo horse-shit.
MPES Confusion may be a symptom of psittacosis, but maybe not in parrots.
  This is self-limiting, which is just as well because there's no cure.
GT If you stood next to Chernobyl when it went off then you'd have a bad case of sunburn.
  If you want to know more about these mediators then you really should get a life.
  This is a cell... This is a Green Tree Frog, a non sequitur to make sure you are all still awake...
  Remember, though, Darth Vader is not a complication of myocardial infarction.
  This session is optional in so far as it's run by a large Glaswegian and you'll get beaten up if you don't go.
  This is clearly Pathological Social Worker Withdrawal Syndrome.
  We don't really eat millet seed as part of our diet these days unless we are pretending to be the Birdman of Alcatraz.
  Big patches of naked mucosa - phwooooar!!!
  Fetch me a new Medical Student, this one is broken.
  My wife is always sending me out to get annadin. She's always got a headache.
  (mock Cockney accent) Caaaaancer
  Hmmm, maliiiiiiiignancy.
  So, if you think you are naturally thrusting...
  Colposcopy clinic is just like playing Space Invaders. Only not quite like it, obviously.
  A very high proportion of colposcopy patients are called Sharon or Tracy. This is not core material, I hasten to add.
  Does this look like that statue on the hilltop in Brazil, or is it just me having an acid flashback.
ST Rah! A blasted gastroenterologist has been drawing a biliary system. No, it must have been a surgeon. Oh, it was a chest physician?!?
DW Arrrgh... Has anyone got a knife?
NW Junior Forcival? Sounds like a pop singer.
  Abdominal Bulge Syndrome.
  (loud bangs are heard through the window) Are they shooting the administrators again?
  If I've got Wernicke's encephalopathy then who's got mine?
  Metronidiazole - pah! Cefuroxime? Pish!
  (with large expressive arm movements and pen scribbling) Kachukachukachukachukachukachuk!
Take Radiologist (to every chest radiograph, regardless of age, etc) COPD, COPD, mild COPD, early COPD, etc.

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