Alastair and Martin's Web Site New Quotes

Starting yet again with a Cornwall trip by Al and Mart, we humbly present the Sixth and Seventh years of quote collection, which was the point at which we all got jobs and never saw each other ever again (melodrama).

Hannah (on the subject of volunteering for vaginal examination) It's just a quick in-and-out, isn't it?
  (and:) It's a lucky dip, really.
  Do you call the SWAT team for pulmonary embolus?
  AH: Why aren't they here?
Hannah: Maybe they're somewhere else...
Helen The transanal retrograde encephelectomy (TARE procedure).
  I'd get thinner if I got pregnant.
  Trans-lacrimal appendicectomy.
Jacquetta So you're in the second trough, then?
  (to Jon) I need you like I need a hole in my pancreas.
  Dude! Where's my syndrome?!?
  So, the cake wreaks the whirlwind.
  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  Ooooh! I think I'm vibrating.
  There's software shagging on my desk!!!
  Does anyone fancy a bang-bang session?
Liz It's when you read those inspirational posters and think "that's rubbish".
  If anyone ever comes near me I've got a knife!
  Oooh! I like a man in tartan.
  We're off to Teddy Hall? Do we need prophylaxis?
  I like the knobbles on it.
  I'm sure that all vegetarians are secret cannabals.
Suchi (to Mart) Have you had an iron bar up your nose?
  I'd love to reshape delicate things.
  Telepathic cholecystectomy
  (unveling the secrecy of Cambridge initiation ceremonies...) He was a Nigerian prince. He had a big sword, and he had it out (Mart: unsheathed!) and you had to lie back, horizontal, wearing nothing but your lab coat.
  Do you put the "p" in Pimms?
Chris Molloy This is offending my Germanic sense of punctuality.
Dan It's hard avoiding "come" when Jon Fishman's around.
  I don't even know what a bottom-wink is, but it might exist.
Jon I like it dry and wrinkly.
  Let's just go for flatus.
  They call me quite fastidious, actually.
Mart I've never thought how I'd explain beer to an alien.
  It was exactly the same motion, it was just a different place.
  Dog-breath is for life, not just for Christmas.
  I've got this HUGE lump!!!
  I can't even forge my own signature properly.
  I'm only swinging from the branch of the tree unilaterally. I've got a pint of beer in the other hand.
  (regarding the Eagle and Child at closing time) But it just looks nice...
  JC: How long's a piece of string?
Mart: I don't know, but I'm sure there's EU regulations for that kind of thing.
Matt Cyclical haemoptysis - every time his wife has a period he coughs up blood.
Neil Erectogenic shock.
  Tai Chi? That's a brand of tea, isn't it?
  Suchi: Did you see that programme on human mutants?
Neil: Yeh, your eyes rolls back and you turn into Halle Berry.
Anna Honey, stop massaging my veins otherwise I'll start wanting sex with you.
VSD We've just had this lecture from this feminist bitch.
  I'll have a pint of Flowers; you never buy me flowers.
  This is the time when you find out your boyfriend's fucking Brad Pitt.
Jen That's the best thing about being on top - you can see everything!.
  I don't think I've ever approached from this angle before!
Louise I'd have to do Piglet.
Al Hemel Hempstead is an acquired taste.
  Shall I just get him a bottle of Scotch and fuck his wife?
  If you shred porn it still looks like porn.
  I'm sure we can get it in there.
  Detachable eeyores: whatever next?
Tom You're trying for ever to get the head out of the toe.
Andy They're actually real books on that shelf, aren't they!
  Roo's got a chafed hose.
  You could lay the horse.
Roo Come and see my porn snake, boys.
  What, Martin, you want the Landlord? I think he's busy.
  It sounds like they're percolating a small mammal.
Nim How do I go down on this?
Rob from the Turf Some customer flirted with me the other day. I didn't know what to do!
JC Basically you wash out whatever's there; the blood, the pus, the chips, the lager.
FG If you haven't got any children and you want some then let me know.
MG If I had a choice between a decent rail service from London to Edinburgh and the National Breast Screening Programme, I'd go for the trains any day.
MGil I think you can consider yourselves all overflowing jugs.
HJ Adolescent males find ways to kill themselves. At the moment it's suicides, cars and football tournaments in the Algarve.
GK Trauma is bad for you.
NM Motility disorders are fundamentally boring. I'm supposed to have an interest in them and I find them boring, so there's no hope for you lot.
RM In America I think they drink IGF in their water. That's how they get so big.
Xavier M There's nothing like an endoscopy to cheer you up.
  No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
  Lucy!!! Shall I kill you now or later?!?
  The ward round is disoriented in time, place and person.
CS HLA-B27 is a little bit like the European fishing policy - you feel you should know something about it but you really can't be arsed.
MS I'm glad you can't remember it because it's complete bollocks.
  Comin' at ya, for all the rappers in the audience.
  I've never seen a smoking cow. (Mart: There were plenty after Foot and Mouth)
  There's a tertiary chronic cough clinic in Hull. I can't think of any other reason to go to Hull.
  I don't know why I included sexual history in my respiratory list - I must have been bored.
  You can call me a boring old fart, but it's "99", okay?!?
  If anyone in your Finals exam criticises you for this, you can say "Frankly, you can get back to your colorectal surgery while I examine chests the correct way, and I'll see you at the viva tomorrow".
HW These patients are very frightened. They think they are dying, and... well... they are.
Dr O This is X-ray-ted!
Mr G, Banbury A new complication of ethanol abuse is being attacked by lions.

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