Alastair and Martin's Web Site

Top 100 Reasons why it's
Bad To Be A Haller:



  1. you're crap
  2. everyone hates you
  3. your college has the popular name "T£ddy Hell"
  4. you've only pretended to be a college since 1957
  5. but you still call yourselves a Hall
  6. you bought the land for your front quad off M@gdalen
  7. "T£ddy H@ll admits students for the Bachelor of Fine Art Degree" - 'nuff said
  8. your college is named after someone called "£dmund"
  9. your Hall is crap, and trivial to first order
  10. you have nothing to do with electromagnetism
  11. there's no Kebab Van on your street unless it's lost
  12. your darts team is crap
  13. according to popular folk melodies, you "take it up the arse, doo-dah, doo-dah"
  14. your darts team has been banned from Queen's
  15. your darts team has been banned from nearly every other college too
  16. your flag pole's too short to tell between full mast, half mast or "can't be bothered to take the flag down"
  17. and flag poles are supposed to go up rather than horizontally, so you can raise the flag, not traverse it
  18. you charge entrance for your college bops
  19. and they're crap
  20. your address is "The Hall, Queen's Lane"
  21. your boat club can't afford to use more than a tiny amount of paint on their blades
  22. compulsory dinners are crap
  23. expensive batells are crap
  24. incidently, this last point was made by a Haller, so it's even more crap
  25. you're bound to name your first kid "Edmund"
  26. you serve crap beer in plastic cups
  27. neaderthal man didn't die out, he became a Haller
  28. your hall is so insignificant, you have to give a grid reference to pizza delivery boys
  29. you harbour secret desires to run to the hills and become a lumberjack
  30. stamp collecting becomes obsessive and you lie in wait by the postbox on Queen's Lane all day
  31. every now and then, you wish you were eating paint
  32. every Saturday night an ambulance has to be called to pick up the drunk Hallers
  33. (if they can find all the pieces)
  34. every applicant to a different college gets your apology for a hall as their second option
  35. you're miles from the train station
  36. you're miles from the bus station
  37. you couldn't afford to build a library, so you turned a church into one
  38. which is, of course, a crap library
  39. Rowan Atkinson didn't go to your college
  40. and he's not crap (spot the link?)
  41. what kind of Oxford college doesn't do classics?
  42. a crap one, I suppose
  43. your vocabulary becomes restricted to "HALL!"
  44. you make pointless objections to people building lecture theatres
  45. Andy-Pandy says you're crap
  46. your old hall is dominated by Queen's crests
  47. your First boat got banned from Torpids for being crap
  48. red flags mean no rowing! VIIIs need 8 rowers, you crap people!
  49. incidentally, your First boat is always crap
  50. your college has to offer tea and biscuits to visitors to entice them in
  51. Jen was in the gym, not in the Hall
  52. the cry "we hate T£ddy H@ll" can be heard ringing out across the rooftops on every Friday night
  53. the cry "we hate T£ddy H@ll" can be heard ringing out across the rooftops on every Saturday night
  54. and every other day of the week
  55. you consider Iffley Road to be "a stone's throw" from Queen's Lane (Oxford Prospectus)
  56. it is, however, close to a construction site on Rectory Road
  57. you have no Brazilian people who lived in France in your college
  58. so you're crap
  59. Chris went off the Hall, which was fair enough
  60. your college entrance is hidden up a sidestreet (called "Queen's Lane")
  61. Liz goes to your bops, which are crap
  62. your banners at Ice Hockey Cuppers 1998 were so crap they got burnt
  63. the Eleventh Commandment was "And Yea, The Hall Shall Be Crappe"
  64. and the Twelth was "And verily thus they shall take it up the arse, doo-dah, doo-dah"
  65. Al Pacino said "Son, stick with us and the Hallers won't touch you", and he knows what he's talking about
  66. the only picture you have in the Oxford prospectus is a crap person sitting in your crap quad ON THEIR VERY OWN
  67. your so crap you are in Gareth's House of Crap
  68. and he doesn't let any old crap into it
  69. my scout says you're crap and she's always right about everything
  70. I met this bloke Martin in the pub last night and he says you're crap
  71. you have to pay people from other colleges to talk with you
  72. and even then, all they say is "you're crap"
  73. Winnie the Pooh thinks you're crap
  74. so does Tigger
  75. and Roo
  76. an anagram of "S@int £dmund H@ll" is "shit, L.E.A. land 'n' mud"
  77. or, "damn Hall sit nude"
  78. or, "send a dull hitman"
  79. your college is too small to have any parties
  80. but if you did have them, they'd be really crap
  81. Belinda Carlisle once sang "my ex-boyfriend came from Mars / he only had one ball / now he takes it up the arse / and he's from T£ddy H@ll"
  82. half the university went through Louise in one night, but she wouldn't touch anyone from the Hall - ever
  83. tourists only visit the Hall to get a better view of New College
  84. or to ask directions to Chr15t Church
  85. your crap college cannot afford bike storage spaces
  86. you are therefore forced to break into another college's annexe to store your crap bikes
  87. as the Oxford tour bus passes your college the guide announces "and this is the little shit-hole next to Queen's: T£ddy H@ll"
  88. and the American tourists say, "They must be really crap"
  89. every now and then, the sheep escape, and everyone has to spend hours retrieving them from J£5us College
  90. even Br1an Wr1ght wouldn't write your website for you
  91. so you had to do it yourselves, and it's crap
  92. an ex-Haller I met in the pub last night says you're crap.
  93. he spent 3 years regretting his decision to go to such a crap Hall
  94. I can't be bothered to think of any more reasons at the moment
  95. so please send some in
  96. especially if you are a bloody moaning weman
  97. you're SO crap that some people wrote 100 lines of crap about you
  98. including a full history of how you have been crap since your foundation
  99. you ARE T£ddy H@ll
  100. and you're crap

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