I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.

I drink therefore I am.

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

He once had his toes amputated so that he could stand closer to the bar.

The trouble with him is when he is not drunk he is sober.

The AAAA is a new organisation for drunks who drive. Give them a call and they'll tow you away from the bar.

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold.

Your superego is that part of you which is soluble in alcohol.

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me drunk. The only trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Moonshine corn liquor has been known to stop the victim's watch, snap his suspenders and crack his glass eye right across.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

There are just two reasons for drinking. One is when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.