 Despite being pummelled with 10,000 rounds of automatic gunfire, repeatedly
thrown on his back in slow motion by BA, and having his jeep flipped into the sky like a rugby ball, does this week's villain emerge from the wreckage with a small
cut on his forehead and looking a bit groggy?
Despite describing yourself as a "soldier of fortune" do you spend most of your time assisting academics who have lost
important pieces of paper or farmers who are having a barney with their neighbours?
Are you friends with a man in a baseball cap and brown leather jacket who behaves like a sort of Happy Shopper Jim Carrey,
playing with an invisible dog, dressing as a bridesmaid and singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" to trees?
Does a white-haired man with a cigar occasionally pop his head out of a Godzilla costume with the kind of shit-eating grin that
covers his inner voice screaming "I once spent two days snogging a wet Audrey Hepburn and now this is what passes for my career"?
Are you not going on no plane, fool? If so, how did they get you into Vietnam? On a bus?
If left in a barn, can you make a full-scale Sherman tank with just a lawnmower, a drainpipe, and some lengths of piano wire?
In your experience, is the best way to obtain illegal army-surplus weaponry to send a suave man with a pastel suit and Princess Diana haircut to go and ask for it while wearing a false moustache?
Have you ever infiltrated the home of an enemy by dressing as an unconvincing waiter while an accomplice hid in a food trolley, filling profiteroles with plastic explosive?
Would your covert operations be made a lot easier if one of your number's range of disguises wasn't limited by his being a 220 pound black man wearing enough jewellery to lash down a battleship
While we're at it, is your idea of an inconspicious vehicle a large black Dodge van with a big red swoosh down the side?
When being chased by men in jeeps, are your pursuers' efforts constantly thwarted by ramps concealed under bushes?
Is your aim so appallingly atrocious that with 1000 rounds you fail to hit anybody you ever shoot at? In fact, come to think of it, what did you do in Vietnam? Cook?
Do you pity the fool?
Do you love it when a plan comes together? Derr de-de derr! De-de Derr!
Will that cigar kill you in the end?
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